For once in my life, I’m scared about my future. I want to go to college. I want to start college. I want to graduate and earn a successful career. I want to start a family and live the rest of my life happy. That’s how I expected my life to go. However, it’s not going that way. There has been five words that I’ve stopped me from being motivated enough to try and go to the college I wanted to go too, from trying my best in school, and to stop believing in my expectations. Those words are “we don’t have enough money”. Hearing those words could not hit me any deeper. It’s not that I live in a poor family, it’s just that having a single mother for the past 16 years of my life and two siblings, one who is in college and one who’s graduating this year, makes money a very serious issue. I mean I wish I had a dad around so maybe money wouldn’t have been too much of a problem but when you only have one parent to rely on, it puts me through the whole guilt trip. I love my mother for what she does. She has worked herself to sweating blood to provide for our family. To me, that will always be enough. She has done a lot. It’s just that when I hear those words, I feel like doing what I want to do can just wait. What I need can wait. But now, I’m just disappointed. I’m suppose to be leaving this month for the Philippines. I’m suppose to go there for college and work hard so maybe in the near future I can be a doctor. Today, my grandma told me we might not leave for the Philippines until April which makes no fucking sense since I’m suppose to come back May anyway and then leave again June. It really pisses me off because I’ve been saying I’m leaving constantly and I’m still here. Not just that I feel like if I go April, I won’t be back when I planned on coming back. With not having enough money and shit, I know my mom is going to try and keep me there for the six years I have to go to school for. She said I can come back once a year for a week. WHAT THE FUCK! I wanted to come back for my two month break that I have during the Spring not a fucking lousy week during Christmas. The cold is one of the reasons why I’m leaving so why the fuck would I want to come back during the coldest season? It makes no fucking sense and it’s just throwing everything off. If things can’t go the way I planned it to, then there’s no point in me leaving. I’m going to loose everyone if I stay there for six years straight. I’ll loose all my friends & Janelle. I can’t live with that. It’d be no different than spending my life forever alone. I was going to go to school in the US but my mom didn’t tell me I got my acceptance letter in the mail until exactly 2 months after it was suppose to be mailed back. Even to this day it enrages me because I could have been in school but because she had to be the one mom that puts a lock on the mailbox so no one else can touch the mail but her. Because of that, I didn’t get to send in my transcripts. I didn’t get to apply. I didn’t even get to take an entrance exam. I was so pissed it just made me say “fuck it” and I didn’t want to go to college anymore. I mean I had it all there but someone fucked up. I feel like shit. My older sister was bitching that she did all her college shit herself so I could too. So I do and what the fuck happens? My mom takes the mail, doesn’t even tell me I got anything but then decides to tell me 2 months later. She didn’t even read it when she handed it to me. She opened it but didn’t read it. Im just at the point right now where I get so close to getting where I want and then I just end up getting shot down. I lost my motivation to go to college in the US because of that. I felt ashamed if I had to start the whole application shit again. What if they asked me “what happened to the letter we sent you last time?” what do I say to that? Oh yeah you know my mom likes to lock the mailbox so only she gets to get the mail out and it so happened she didn’t tell me I got a letter from this college until 2 months after? How the fuck do I sound saying that? I wasn’t going to lie and say it got lost in the mail. I wasn’t planning on coming up with excuses because that’s unprofessional and because I had thought I would be notified. I was and at the wrong time. It just made me feel so angry at my mom that it took away my motivation to take any steps forward. I just felt like shit watching all my friends go to college and not me because of a fucking mailbox. I’m so glad my younger sister has more motivation to start her future than I did. I mean she did break the mailbox so my mom couldn’t lock it anymore. It makes me feel somewhat envious to see her take her mail and read what colleges she got accepted to because I didn’t have the chance to do that. I had to be the obedient son. Always listening to what I’m told to do. But after what my grandmother told me today, it just pisses me off so much. If my mom tells me I’m leaving April and I’m not coming back until who knows when instead of a date and time I want to come back, I’m not going to go to college anymore. I’m not going to do anything anymore. It pisses me off how I want to go out and do something fucking great so maybe I can be independent and not depend so much on my mother, yet shes just making things so difficult for me. I known I can’t always have it my way, but holy fucking shit, at least let me get to decide my future and what I want to do with it. I mean of all the things that could piss me off, this tops it. I have never found myself so pissed over something before bed. Pissed enough to stomp and punch my walls. Pissed enough that I can’t sleep. I will just give up. I have already lost a year here because of her. Now I’m going to loose all the people I care about, my plans are getting all fucked up, all because supposedly we don’t have the money right now. What kind of fucking bullshit is that? I mean shit, it’s because she had to say those words that I don’t feel like starting my future anymore. I mean if money’s that serious now which I know it is, I just won’t go to college anymore. I will just live the rest of my life a bum. A waste of space. I mean I could have been someone greater but shit, what’s the point if it means your whole family might go bankrupt. I chose to go to college in the Philippines because it was cheaper. So my mom could save some money. But now fuck it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I wanted an amazing college life here, couldn’t have it. Okay. Now I can’t have the future I want either? The what’s the point? I just won’t go to college. It’s just TOO expensive. I dont know what I’m going to do if it comes to that. I just know if it does, I might be so unsatisfied with myself that I might as well end it all with suicide. Seriously, I’m doing my best but what for when obviously it’s going to waste? I didn’t ask to be stuck at home for 7 months. I didnt ask for my mail to be taken from me. So what’s the point in even continuing with the whole process is someones just going to fuck it up someone? I just don’t know anymore. What a great way to stress myself out so early in the year.